Thursday, April 27, 2006

Here is the full, final script:

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
By Kojiro Abe

FADE IN:

EXT. RED’S HOUSE- MORNING (ESTABLISHING)

Despite the film being set in the Germany of old, Red’s house is completely modern and late 20th century looking.

CAPTION
Germany, A Long Time Ago

INT. RED’S HOUSE- MORNING

There is a Shaw Brothers flick called ZHONG KUI NIANG ZI (THE LADY HERMIT) playing on a large HDTV screen showing kung fu cutie SHIH SZU beating up some bad guys.

The camera pulls back to reveal a young dark haired GIRL in a red cape and hood, sitting on the floor, watching the screen with a fire blazing nearby.

This GIRL is our title character, LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.

RED’S MOM (OS)
Red!

RED
Coming Mother!

Red’s MOTHER is knitting a wool sock.

RED walks into her room.

RED
What is it, Mother?

RED’S MOM
Honey, I need you to run an errand for me.

RED
Yes?

RED’S MOM
Granny’s really sick. I need you to take this bread and soup to her little house in the woods.

RED
Okay. But how do I get there?

RED’S MOM
Just take that path through the woods. The dark and scary one.

RED
I don’t want to go there.

RED’S MOM
See that whip over there.

RED
No, not Mr. Punishment!

RED’S MOM
Yes, Mr. Punishment.

RED
Fine, I’ll do it!

RED’S MOM
With luck you’ll be back by nightfall. Watch out for snakes!

RED
Mom, you’re scaring me!

WIPE TO:

EXT. THE WOODS- DAY

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD is prancing through the woods, holding a basket with bread and a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup inside.

She is humming the theme to BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI.

She continuously skips through the woods.

CUT TO:

A LUMBERJACK, dressed in typical redneck attire, is cutting down a tree.

RED skips by.

LUMBERJACK
Howdy Red!

RED
Hello, Mr. Lumberjack!

LUMBERJACK
Could I ask ya where yer going?

RED
To my grandma’s house in the woods.

LUMBERJACK
I see… Well, I got one warnin’ for ya. When ya hit that fork, don’t you go goin’ down the Eastern path. You take that Western path instead.

RED
Why?

LUMBERJACK
Not only is the Eastern path a hella lot longer, but it be takin’ you by the wolf’s house.

RED
The wolf’s house?

LUMBERJACK
Yep, the wolf’s house. You’d better be watchin’ out for that wolf. He’s a sick fuck. He likes kids and he eats people.

RED
Well thank you for telling me that.

LUMBERJACK
You’re welcome. Just be stayin’ off the Eastern path and if that goddamn wolf asks you to go to his house, don’t fuckin’ do it, okay?

RED
Okay, I’d better be off now.

LUMBERJACK
Good luck.

WIPE TO:

RED merrily skipping through the woods humming Beethoven’s ODE TO JOY.

The WOLF is watching her through some bushes.

RED continues to skip happily through the forest.

Suddenly, the WOLF jumps out in the middle of Red’s path, he’s a man with a beard wearing a leather jacket.

RED SCREAMS.

WOLF
Calm down cutie-pie!

RED
But you’re the wolf, aren’t you?

WOLF
Yeah, so?

RED
I heard awful things about you.

WOLF
Like what?

RED
That you’ll cook and eat me like that Japanese guy in the 80s.

WOLF
That’s a lie.

RED
Really?

WOLF
Yeah, I’m a nice guy. I’m just big and hairy, so everyone’s afraid of me. Which reminds me, want to come to my place and watch Men Behind the Sun?

RED
I’d love to, but I really need to get to grandma’s house. She’s sick, I need to bring her this soup and bread.

WOLF
Now where does she live?

RED
She lives at the house at the end of these woods.

WOLF
I see. Well, if you want to get there faster, I’d recommend that you take the Eastern path.

RED
But the lumberjack told me not to!

WOLF
Fuck the lumberjack! Not only is it faster but there are flowers there too. You can pick some for your grandmother.

RED
Really?

WOLF
Yeah.

RED
That sounds great! Well, I should probably be getting to grandma’s now. Thanks Mr. Wolf.

WOLF
No problem!

RED skips away.

The WOLF lets out a menacing cackle.

WIPE TO:

RED coming to the fork in the road.

She takes the Eastern path and skips down it, humming the theme to NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.

WIPE TO:

EXT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE- MIDDAY

The WOLF approaches grandma’s house from the rear.

He KNOCKS on the door.

WOLF
(in falsetto)
Grannie, it’s your beloved Wolf..Red here. I’ve brought you some bread and some mmm, mmm good Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. Could you please let me in.

GRANDMA opens the door and lets out a bloodcurdling SCREAM.

The WOLF roars and advances.

The door slams shut.

CUT TO:

THE WOODS- MIDDAY

RED finds some flowers in the Eastern path.

RED
These are beautiful. Grannie will love them.

THE WOODS- MIDDAY

RED picks some of the flowers.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE- NIGHT

RED arrives at grandma’s house. She walks up to the front door and knocks on it.

RED
Grannie, it’s your darling little Red here. I’ve brought you some soup and bread. Can you open the door?

WOLF (OS)
(in falsetto)
Come on in, cutie pie.

RED
Okay, grannie, I’m coming in.

INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE.

RED walks up a flight of wooden stairs.

She opens the door to grandma’s room and walks in very slowly. It’s a nice festive room with a large bed in the middle, there’s a TV playing the atomic mutant scene from NOSTRADAMUS NO DAIYOGEN (PROPHECIES OF NOSTRADAMUS).

The WOLF is lying in grandma’s bed, dressed in her nightclothes and staring at RED.

RED
Jesus Christ, Grandma, what happened to you.

WOLF
(in falsetto)
What happened to me?

RED
You’re ugly.

WOLF
(in falsetto)
Mind your tongue, hunny.

RED
Grandma, what big beady eyes you have!

WOLF
(in falsetto)
All the better to look at you with…


RED
And Grandma, what’s with the nose?

WOLF
(in falsetto)
All the better to sniff you with…

RED
Eww… And Grandma, what hideously big ears you have…

WOLF
(in falsetto)
All the better to hear you with…

RED
And Grandma, what freakishly big hands you have…

WOLF
(in falsetto)
All the better to feel you with…

RED
And Grandma, what a big mouth you have…

WOLF
All the better to eat you with!

The WOLF starts to strangle RED.

WOLF
I’m not your fucking grandmother! I’m the wolf! Your grandmother’s dead!

RED passes out.

CUT TO:

INT. THE WOLF’S HOUSE- DUSK

RED wakes up. She’s in a dark room. The walls are covered with pictures of DAKOTA FANNING and ANNASOPHIA ROBB.

RED notices this and lets out a GASP of horror.

RED
Oh Christ!

Her hands and legs are tied with rope.

Suddenly, the WOLF appears.

RED SCREAMS.

RED
Let me go, you crazy fuck!

WOLF
Don’t worry, tonight it’ll all be over.

RED
Why? What are going to do with me?

WOLF
Tonight, I’m having you for supper!

The WOLF starts maniacally laughing.

RED spits at the WOLF.

WOLF
Oh ho ho…

RED waits in the closet, BREATHING heavily. The film goes into SPLIT-SCREEN with RED on the left side of the screen watching some horrible stuff unfold in front of her and the WOLF and his actions on the other side of the screen.

A large pot is bubbling.

A television near it is playing a scene from the Shaw Brothers horror film THE KILLER SNAKES.

The WOLF is cutting vegetables in his kitchen.

He dumps the vegetables into the pot.

He pulls some grandma meat out of the fridge and starts cutting it, before tossing it into the stew.

RED starts to feel nauseous and puts her hand over her mouth.

The WOLF starts cutting carrots into the soup.

He sprinkles some pepper and salt into the pot.

He starts to stir the disgusting “grandma stew”.

The WOLF pours himself a bowl of the stew and walks over to a table and sits down. On it are two candles, a wine bottle and wine glass and fine silverware.

Rossini’s THE THEIVING MAGPIE is playing on the soundtrack.

RED is watching, with great terror and disgust.

The WOLF pours himself some wine.

He starts to raise a spoonful of grandma soup to his mouth. Suddenly, the LUMBERJACK breaks down the door. The film goes out of SPLIT SCREEN.

The MUSIC stops.

He shoots the WOLF with the rifle he’s carrying. The WOLF falls over.

The LUMBERJACK rips open the closet door. He finds RED inside, all tied up. He unties Red.

LUMBERJACK
Are ya alright?

RED
Oh my God! He cooked Grandma!

LUMBERJACK
He was doin’ what?

RED
He cooked her and made stew out of her!

The WOLF is laying in a corner, his chest all bloody. He suddenly gets up and grabs his katana off the wall.

WOLF
How dare you ruin my extravagant feast!

LUMBERJACK
Yer a sick fucker! I’m gunna kill ya.

He loads up his rifle again.

RED
Wait, this is between me and him. I know how just to settle this.

WIPE TO:

EXT. BEACH- MORNING

RED and the WOLF are standing by the ocean. The LUMBERJACK is standing in between them.

The wind is blowing lightly.

RED unsheathes her katana.

The WOLF unsheathes his.

RED strikes a badass pose with her katana.

The WOLF comes running after RED.

RED blocks his sword.

The WOLF and RED begin to engage in mortal combat.

The WOLF keeps slashing at RED but RED is able to block him each time.

They cross swords continuously.

Finally the two of them cross swords for one last time.

They both stare each other down, Sergio Leone-style.

The WOLF kicks RED onto the ground.

He stabs his sword down to try and stab her head.

The sword misses by a few inches and sticks in the ground. Before the WOLF can pull it out, RED lunges forward with her sword.

The WOLF stops the sword with his hands.

The WOLF foolishly lets the sword go into an attempt to grab his own sword.

RED seizes the opportunity and chops both the wolf’s hand off. His stumps squirt blood, some of which splatters onto Red’s face.

The WOLF lets out a bloodcurdling scream and runs away, screaming.

The LUMBERJACK walks up to RED, who is holding a bloody katana and puts his arm around her.

FADE OUT


THE END

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